1966 Born 1967 – 1969 Move from El Paso to Dallas. Briefly adorable in a Shirley Temple kind of way. Write a book about a tree. 1970 – 1974 Move from Dallas to Denver, back to Dallas and then on to Ft Smith, Arkansas. Too big to snuggle and too little to date, I spend my days in front of the TV and my nights immersed in “Little House On The Prairie” books. Day dream about being an orphan who discovers my own house hidden in an unused garden at the back of a magnificent English estate. Am determined to build a picket fence around a front yard some day. Attempt to make candy by drizzling maple syrup in snow (unsuccessful). Diagnosed with asthma. Write a book about pencils. 1975 – 1979 Start my period, grow breasts, develop acne, become depressed and manage to skip 75% of my 6th grade classes. Kiss a LOT of boys, wear a LOT of makeup, write how-to book on beauty. Move from Ft Smith to Albuquerque to Canyon, Texas. 1980 – 1984 Lose my virginity, drop out of school, become very tan, have an abortion. Become promiscuous. Become sad. Become angry. Have another abortion. Write hot checks. Quit lots of jobs. Have an emotional breakdown. Try alcohol, speed and pot. 1985 – 1989 Begin 4 year relationship with a man 14 years older than me who sells jewelry to the rich and famous. Quit lots more jobs. Have a psychotic break. Have another abortion. Try cocaine. Learn how to develop software. Write lots more hot checks. Move in with boyfriend. 1990 – 1994 End relationship with older boyfriend. Move in with new boyfriend in Dallas . Quit smoking, then start back up again. Learn how to keep a steady job. Temporarily beautiful. Move out of new boyfriend’s apartment with a $500 loan from my boss. Grandmother dies. Have another abortion. And another one. Adopt Crunch Tator, the very best dog who ever lived. Realize brother is deeply addicted to drugs. Realize mother is deeply depressed. Have a few emotional breakdowns. Become determined to do something with my life. Gain 30 pounds. Move back to Denver. 1995 – 1999 Move from Dallas back to Denver to Austin, then (very briefly) back to Denver and back on to Austin again. Briefly become competitive rower. Turn 30 in the best shape of my life. Begin 7 1/2 year relationship/obsession with gorgeous attorney. Triple my income. Become anxious and start to take Paxil. Become depressed and start to take Klonopin. Start therapy. Gradually become suicidal. Have a miscarriage. Check myself in to a mental hospital. Hoard pills for a month before making semi-pathetic suicide attempt. Check myself back in to the hospital. Have affair with assigned psychiatrist. Try Depakote, Lamictal, Welbutrin, Zyprexa, Risperdal, Topomax, Neurontin and Ambien within the space of 3 months. Become my most crazy. Drink heavily for one year. Shave my head and all body hair. Check myself back in to a hospital. And then another. Withdraw from all drugs but Neurontin. 2000 – 2003 Get job at IBM. Get promoted. Have psychological assessment which states, in part, that I am an extremely ill woman with a narcissistic personality who believes she can do more than she can, and who should be on an antipsychotic medication for the rest of her life. Begin Seroquel and therapy in an attempt to ensure that I am not narcissistic, am capable of accomplishing what I think I can, and am stable. Becomes friends with a group of coworkers and begin socializing weekly. Become happy, stable, and cautiously proud of myself. Father losses job and becomes unable to work. Brother dies. Ask parents to move in with me in Austin. 2004 – 2008 Become engaged. Get married. Begin paying parent’s rent and car insurance. Get promoted. Run out of things to talk about in therapy. Switch doctors when mine goes out of practice, and from Neurontin to Lamictal. Try to have a baby. Find out we’re infertile. Have 3 surgeries to investigate and correct anatomical issues related to infertility. Learn I have GERD. Have two root canals and never go back for permanent crowns. Try IVF. Turn 40. Get pregnant. Miscarry. Turn 41. Try IVF again. Fail. Buy our first house. Father has another heart attack. Mother has surgery. Gain 40 pounds. Cholesterol shoots up to close to 600. Asthma and allergies get worse. Decide to try life without drugs. Walk away from my career. Become a heavy drinker. Spend our life’s savings. Go to rehab. Get back on medication. Crunch dies. Get back on my feet. Plant flowers. Get a job as a call center agent. Write This Blog.
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